There is a saying in the Afghan / Islamic culture that "Heaven is under the Mother's feet, so treat her kindly". This stresses the importance of women, especially mothers in our culture and the kindess, respect and love they should be given if we truly want to be righteous. In honor of Mother's Day, I felt this would be a perfect time to write about the special moment, when a woman can call herself a mother. The wonders of pregnancy are simply amazing and countless.
My focus on this article will be on the pregnancy process and how it’s viewed
in the Afghan culture and the expectations and celebrations that come with it.
Remember Afghans just want a reason to celebrate! I should note that this
article will highlight aspects of the afghan culture that some Afghans no
longer practice given their exposure to different cultures and living in the
states.
Remember the three month rule? Don’t tell anyone -especially
outside the family, if a young woman is pregnant during the first trimester as there is a higher chance
of miscarriage or inviting 'nazar' the evil eye from outsiders. This rule not only extends to three months, for some
traditional Afghan women, it extends until the actual birth of the baby. It is
almost seen as an act of honor and modesty to ‘hide’ the pregnancy until the
baby is born. I remember an older Afghan woman telling me her
story of how proud she was that no one knew she was even pregnant until she
came home from the hospital with a baby! This method as seen by some older Afghans can be seen as protecting both the unborn child and the mother from nazar or simply being conservative and modest.
This concept is rarely practiced in the US with Afghans,
because every Afghan woman I have known to have fallen pregnant has announced
the news in the first three months or shortly after ( it's too exciting to keep just to yourself!) The announcement of
pregnancy is never done formally, rather through family and friends. Usually
the husband’s family is one to officially confirm the pregnancy to curious
souls within the family and to friends. One thing I found out the hard way, was
that a pregnant Afghan girl should not go her conservative Afghan father to announce the pregnancy and all the details
of the first sonogram in the first couple months!
Is it a Boy or Girl…does it matter anymore?
When a young Afghan
woman gets married, the most common ‘prayer’ she will hear from older Afghan women and her in-laws on her wedding
day and until the day she gets pregnant is “ I wish you many sons” or “ May God grant you 5, 6, 7, 10 sons”. Having a son in our culture is extremely
important especially to Afghans living in Afghanistan. It is with a son, that
parents will ultimately live with if they already don’t live together in an
extended household. It is with a son, that they can count on someone generating
an income for their current and future financial needs and it is with a son,
that will guarantee an increase in family members (his wife and kids will most likely move in or live close byand carry the father's last name).
Also, given that Afghanistan is highly an agricultural
society, Afghans desire physically strong sons to take over the family’s farming needs and
provide for the family when the parents
no longer can and the daughters are married off. Since Afghanistan’s economy and rule of law
is officiated by men, a woman in public is seen as more honorable if
accompanied by a man, whether her husband or son. A son provides protection for
the family.
Now, in the states, some Afghans have that same mentality
especially when it comes to upholding and carrying on the family name and also
providing for the parents. However, times have changed and nowadays, both
females and males leave the parents home when they get married. Both males and
females are educated and can provide financially for themselves and their parents and both
genders have a choice in their living situation including location.
The wish for a healthy child outweighs the preferenc for a
boy or girl. The desire for a certain gender is now more socially personalized rather
than of mere need. Some mother’s desire a baby girl, someone to always count on
and be best friends with. A girl to share their life stories with ( as well as
all the clothes and jewelry collected over the years!) It is with a girl that the Muslim Prophet Muhammad
(peace and blessings be upon him) said that if a man raises four righteous and
successful daughters, he will have a place in heaven. Now that’s some reward! Some fathers desire a
boy so they can teach them how to play the sports they played as a child,
someone to look up to them and admire them and overall, a desire for a baby boy or girl who is healthy, kind, successful, respectful
and appreciative of their parents when they grow up.
What happens after the baby comes?
In Afghanistan, a baby has a higher chance of being born at
home, a birth attended by local midwives then at the local hospital. One of the
biggest reasons for this occurrence is the absence of trained and professional
female doctors and lack of facilities as well as transportation in rural areas
of Afghanistan. Also, many young women in Afghanistan are embarrassed to be
seen by a male doctor during delivery along with the aforementioned, the infant
mortality rate has been the highest in the world. I hope that this will change with the infrastructure of
newly built facilities and the creation
of educational programs for both midwives and local female doctors.
When a baby is newly born, the new mother stays in the house
with the baby for 40 days. This period is reserved for the health of the mother
and baby as both are quite fragile at this time. The 40th day is
marked by some kind of celebration usually consisting of a small gathering of
women in the family and eating delicious foods. The Afghan sweet bread “rote’
is baked and distributed amongst the gathering and other sweet desserts. At this time, the new
mother can resume her daily prayers and fasting (if Ramadan falls around that
time) if she wishes and is able to, although some may not fast during the month
of Ramadan if they are nursing. They say that after a baby girl is born that
angels circle the home of the parents (or wherever the baby is residing) for
forty days! This brings about divine protection and countless blessings to the
home and to the family.
Now in the US, young Afghan women do things a little
differently when it comes to birth and the aftermath. The birth almost 99% of
the time takes place in the hospital and with hectic school and work schedules,
the new mom may have to return to the field before the forty days and if her
family or in-laws don’t live close by, the celebrations may have to wait until
everyone can get together. The abovementioned still happens, it’s just that
with an increase of working women, the timeframes have changed, although the
celebrations still occur.
Also, most Afghans
have the baby shower or “shaw-e-Sash” when the baby is six months old. This
event is attended by all family and friends to celebrate the birth of the baby.
The attendance can be in the hundreds and celebrated in a banquet hall with
gifts, music, food and dancing. Another monumental event at the six months
stage is shaving of the baby’s hair!
This marks new life and beginnings (usually done in the spring season of their
six month) and it has proven as a way to grow healthy, thicker, shiny and
more beautiful hair for the baby! It’s fair to note, that some Afghans
literally celebrate every moment of the child’s early and most precious
moments. I have attended celebrations ( I am talking banquet halls and all that
jazz) for a an Afghan woman finally being blessed with a baby boy after five
daughters, a celebration for the appearance of the first tooth, for the first
walk and of course the yearly birthday celebrations! Children are truly
cherished in our Afghan culture as they are our future and we don’t hold back
when showing our love and appreciation for them! How will you celebrate a child
today?
