Saturday, July 9, 2011

Afghan Weddings: Whats the Cost? Whats the purpose?

Should I cry or smile? I know that at my wedding, I couldn’t stop smiling. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Brides in the Afghan culture are told many things: look shy for the cameras, don’t laugh too loud, let your husband sit first and stay standing (shows the audience whose boss), make sure groom provides a lot of  gold jewelry , etc. The list goes on. These days in the states, weddings are still momentous events and glamorous but also a competition between families and friends. I guess this phenomenon is the same in every culture (just look at Hollywood weddings!)

The thing that is truly getting out of hand is the expense ( some men can't afford to even get married, given current demands for an Afghan wedding. It's even more rigorous in Afghanistan when a dowry is placed on the girl, which is not an islamic practice, rather a cultural one, as Islam only has 'Mahr- a gift in any form given only to the bride by the groom) and the lack of focus on the main significance: a joining of two souls and hearts, of two people and their families to live a healthy, happy and prosperous life. If one has the desire to spend thousands and even millions on their wedding (hey it’s a once in a lifetime event! Although nowadays with separations and divorce, maybe it’s a two time event for some) and they can afford it without taking loans, then have the dream wedding!

I know my wedding was very glamorous and expensive (thank God no loans!) (my husband still refuses to tell me how much it cost). The problem with expensive weddings is when one has to ‘borrow’ or loan money to have the event, which is way beyond their means and they spend years back trying to pay it off. After the wedding, is when life truly starts and the expenses rack up. Whether it’s buying a home (one will need a down payment), a car (yes, your wife will need reliable transportation), going out for dinners and general entertainment (this is the time to get to know each other and have the freedom to travel without responsibilities, i.e. kids), buying gifts, furniture for your new place, health insurance, and If you add babies to the mix, well then you can do the math!

All I am saying, is that expenses don’t stop after the wedding, if anything they increase dramatically (hint: men get a stable career and save!). The purpose of this post is not to scare men or women away from weddings and marriage, if anything, I want everyone to have a great marriage (it’s probably the best thing in this world- a happy marriage). The purpose is to be realistic and be aware. Most arguments that happen with newlyweds is about management of money ( i.e. whose the spender and whose the saver?) , so be prepared to not disappointment yourself or your spouse.

In the Afghan culture, it is usually the groom who pays for everything, starting with the engagment party. These events are practiced by Afghans residing in the states and in Afghanistan. I just had a family member get married in Afghanistan and the cost was about the same to have a 300 guests wedding in the states or maybe slightly more, as one has to consider airfare for international travel for each member.

Here are some of the cultural events that go hand in hand with a wedding:

Engagement:
This event is almost as big as the wedding will be. Some couples will hold it at the girl’s residence, with both sides contributing to the cost or in a more traditional setting, the male pays for everything, starting with the engagement party. Some engagements are held in a hall or hotel ballroom. I had an engagement in a hotel ballroom with about 300 guests, so it all depends on ability and what is desirable ( we had guests coming in from out of state and my husband has a big family so it was beneficial to celebrate in a nice big formal setting). There is the dress, cake, flowers, invitations, really all the things that are needed in a wedding. Although with the engagement, the girl gets beautiful jewels too! I was presented with an engagement ring (we were getting engaged after all!). The bride is presented with beautiful jewels from members in the family and close family friends. Some couples have a nikkah (Islamic marriage ceremony performed at the engagement party) and some couples perform the nikkah ceremony the day of the wedding reception. The reasoning behind the choice is usually a personal one, however, it most likely so that the couple can “freely” interact with each other if it is done during the engagement period. This becomes a bit of a religious argument, as the nikkah ceremony makes you wife and husband before God, so if the engagement is broken off, one would have to get a legal/ religious divorce, however the process changes if the couple has not consummated the marriage. I would think it is best to perform the nikkah when the wedding takes place as then you live together and your duties as husband and wife can be performed as one wishes without restrictions. The period between engagement and actual wedding can be short as a week or long as it needs to be for the groom to afford a wedding. Sometimes, both sides designate a timeframe depending on school / work schedules or when their parents feel it is the right time.

Henna Night:
This is almost equivalent to the a bachelorette’s party. The Henna night is usually hosted the night before in a hotel ballroom or the bride’s parents home if it is large enough to host all the ladies that will be coming to the wedding. The Henna night can also be done on the night of the wedding as more modern couples practice. The Henna is brought in by the groom’s family (usually his aunts, sisters, cousins, anyone on the groom side). The night is filled with music, dancing and great food and desserts, which is catered often. The Afghan meal usually is buffet style which include main dishes like kabuli-palo, lamb and chicken kababs, salad, vegetables dishes, etc.

Nikkah:
Usually done before the wedding reception. The nikkah takes place with the bride, groom, both sets of parents and close family members and also a religious Muslim authority , such as Mullah to perform the the islamic marriage ceremony. Both sides decide on the amount of ‘Mahr’ which is a bridal gift given to the bride from the groom (usually in the form of money). Consent is asked and given by the bride and groom three times in the presence of witnesses. Sometimes, the bride’s father can act as a guardian if the bride gives him that authority. After the ceremony, attending guests receive a beautiful wrapped gift box filled with sweets, usually frosted almonds.

This event, depending on the number of family and guest attending the ceremony requires a different space then the wedding hall. I had mine in a hotel ballroom that was especially designed for the nikkah ceremony. In the Afghan culture the bride wears a beautiful and modest green gown with a green shawl. The Quran is recited and a special prayer is performed for the new couple. Afterwards, everyone congratulates the couple and their families and the bride goes to change into her white wedding gown to go to the reception where hundreds of people have come to celebrate.

Wedding:
The Afghan bride wears a white wedding gown, given their family background, most gowns tend to be more modest then American style gowns. It usually has sleeves and the back is covered ( I had my mom add sleeves and a back to my strapless, mermaid cut gown) although there are some brides who dress in all traditional Afghan Kuchi Dress or in all American gowns with arms and back showing. The events I am explaining are what moderate Afghans do, who tend to have a more traditional background. The bride is given more jewelry and both couples read the Quran together under a shawl. Some modern Afghan couples do a bride and groom dance ( not like ballroom dancing!) to upbeat Afghan music where they don’t really touch each other. It is important to say that in Afghanistan, the bride does not dance on her wedding day (remember she is leaving her dad's home for the first time and going to her husband's home, so she is to be sad! I might have disappointed a couple of people when I couldn't stop dancing at my wedding! Some cultural traits change over time, especially if they don't hold true always. I mean come on, who is suppose to be sad on their wedding day?! I guess if it's forced upon you, then maybe.....Which brings me to a very important point, marriage can not ever be valid Islamically, if the bride and groom do not consent to it.

As aforementioned, the bride is asked three differet times if she agrees to the marriage and if she says no, then a nikkah can not take place. We hear about forced marriages in Afghanistan all the time and in reality, if the girl has not agreed, then it is not a valid marriage islamically. I love the Afghan culture, however, we are muslims first and must practice what is in our faith before personal customs, as it is the religion who should influence culture.

So back to the wedding: The wedding usually has some famous / well known Afghan band or solo artist and plays throughout the night. The bride and groom are first to get food in a buffet style dinner ( think lamb and chicken kababs, different types of rice, salad, veggies dishes, mantoo- afghan dumplings and much more) while the cameras and family look on. After dinner, the bride can change into a more traditional afghan dress (kuchi dress) and the henna is brought out by the groom’s family all wearing kuchi dresses. Of course, there is the cake cutting and final goodbye to everyone. Gifts are usually in the form of checks or cash (it used to be boxed gifts, but more and more people understand the expense of things and starting a new life, so money is greatly appreciated instead of, say, a toaster! Then, it’s off to a honeymoon! I know we had a beautiful honeymoon in a different country, however, not all families and couples do. Most couples spend the next few days visiting people and attending more parties to celebrate their union! If you have any afghan friend who is married, trust me, they will be more than happy to show you their beloved wedding video to you of all the aforementioned in action!

Advice on weddings: Be aware of costs, stay true to the purpose (beautiful union of you and your spouse) and incorporate Afghan culture in the festivities!

Here is an article from NPR about Afghan weddings:

http://www.npr.org/2011/04/08/134628479/for-afghans-wedding-costs-put-marriage-on-hold

Written by: Afghan Wife
Email: Afghan.wife@gmail.com

28 comments:

  1. The background explanation and culture are fascinating! Thanks
    Sheila

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  2. I love it. The Afghan culture is so beautiful and diverse! Keep writing please!

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  3. I'd like to know more about henna night. Is it only for brides/weddings or are there other occasions?
    Thanks
    Meg

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  4. Hi Meg,

    Thanks for the comment. From my understanding, the henna night is only performed for brides in the Afghan culture, usually the night before the wedding. Older Afghan women usually wear henna on their hands for their beautiful color and for their nails. Hope that helps!

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  5. Thank you for this piece and shedding light onto an issue that is across cultures these days.

    Thank you

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  6. who pays for the wedding reception? And does the groom pay for the brides mehndi dress or just the mehndi? Sorry for the questions,I am getting married soon to afg and I would like to know please.

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  7. Thank you for writing in. In the afghan tradition the wedding reception is paid for the groom and his family as well as the wedding gown. The henna night and dress is from the bride's family. Congrats on your wedding!

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  8. Thank you for writing in. In the afghan tradition the wedding reception is paid for the groom and his family as well as the wedding gown. The henna night and dress is from the bride's family. Congrats on your wedding!

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  9. I've changed my conceiving to Afhan wedding style after reading this, I thought Afghan weddings are always trying to make it as simple as it is, but it actually includes many interesting ceremonies. But I wonder what age is the best period to marry in Afhan culture, just curious!
    From this blog, I can feel you had a blissful wedding, and you did married a good husband!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Canny,

      Thank you for your feedback. I am glad you find our beautiful culture interesting. As far as the right age to marry for a girl in our culture is something that really depends on the family of both the groom and the bride and themselves. If higher education is not an option, a girl sometimes takes the path of marriage for fulfillment then a career. In the states, like most cultures here, the age to marry is increasing as more girls pursue education and career goals rather than marrying young. I would say 25 seems to be an average age in the states for Afghan-american girls and 20 years old for girls in Afghanistan who do have access to education. That number can be higher or lower depending on the aforementioned factors. Hope that helps!

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  10. It's so interesting how they need to ask the bride three times if she wants to and agrees to the wedding. I always thought that they would just ask once, but after reading this post, it totally changed my idea. I wanted to ask you do they always have to offer everyone a airfare, or do some of the family members pay for them selves?? And can men wear tuxedos and suits to a Afghan Wedding or not?? But I really liked how you described Afghan Weddings and gave so many details. Cool

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  11. Hello Manesh,

    I am glad you liked the post. In terms of finances and wedding attire for men, suits/ tuxedos are commonly worn in the beginning of the ceremony and then later most couples change into their afghan clothes. In Afghanistan, depending on the province they are from, they may wear traditional afghan clothes throughout the wedding. The finances for the entire wedding event is usually taken care of by the groom, however airfare is optional and may be offered if one can afford it, however relatives take care of that for themselves. Thanks again for writing in!

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  12. Hello, I think your post is awesome!!! The details provided helped me to easily imagine what Afghan weddings are like. I love the part where you mentioned that husband and wife should both have good money management (cuz my parents have this problem). As a result, I totally agree with you!!! Moreover, I admire the fact that you accepted American culture but also did a great job in following your traditions. I used to think that Muslims are too conservative because of how TV and other media portrait Muslims, but those media are completely wrong apparently!
    Also, I am curious about man and women in Afghan culture. Do men play a higher role than women? Or are they equal? Or do women play a higher role? (Higher role as in "the dominant person of the family") Thank you!

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  13. Hello, I really like your post, I think it's really awesome. Especially you've put a lot of details in there and we can easily understand and know more about your culture. I never knew that Afhan wedding is so ceremonious. I alway thought it is just a ceremony of inviting families and friends to have a meal and that's all until I read the Kite Runner and see your post which gave more details about your great culture. I was pretty concern about the part you said that the groom needs to pay for everything, and you said some people can't even offer the money for wedding. So does this mean that poor people in Afhan can't get married, or there are some other ways to solve the money problem? I also have another question, if a foreigner want's to marry an Afhan women, does he need to pay for everything too? Just curious about these things, and thanks for sharing and congratulations for having a wonderful wedding and marriage.

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  14. Hi I'm Nic, I really learned a from your post, the similarities and difference between different countries wedding is very interesting. In Chinese tradition, we can know that what day is appropriate for wedding,for moving,or any important events in our life on the calendar. You mentioned that the wedding will be held when the parents think it's the right time, I'm curious about how the right time was picked, is it based on family tradition? or the right day is when their kids are ready? do they ask fortune-teller for the date? Thanks again for the details, I can picture your words in my mind that this is a wonderful wedding.

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    Replies
    1. Hey Nic,
      I'm not the author, but we don't use fortune tellers or anything astrological for determining the date. I know we usually try to avoid religious holidays or Ramadan (fasting) time. Nowadays, I feel as though parents are not as involved in choosing the date etc as they were back then. The groom and bride choose what's best. :)

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  15. Love your posting. I am getting married to a Muslim real soon in May :) I am Christian but were also getting married both ways. I am familiar with afghan weddings but is nice to read it very detailed how the process takes place.

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  16. Love the article was searching what afghan s wear in weddings the kuchi dresses or some thing else and saw your post it was very brief and in detail we would love to see more detailed articles on afghan s nomad lives and their cultures and their afghan clothings

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  19. Hi there I’m Pakistani marrying an Afghan guy inshallah. I had a few questions regarding small customs like the wedding favours boxes, does the grooms family provide that or the bride! Lastly do you have any advice on how to decorate a shirni tray? I’ve seen really pretty pics on Pinterest but no idea how to make them. Please advise!! Thanks again :)

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  21. Hi I have a question, who keeps the quran and other stuff (like the quran, the shawl and the thing that goes offer the henna on the hands) from the wedding or nikkah. Who bought it keeps it or does it go to the girl no matter who pays

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